evade's Xanga

New home

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 23:57:43 GMT

I moved again, after ohjnalene (it didn't last too long. I figured I didn't want to keep it anymore, since it contained mostly rants, hehe). So, find me here instead:

johnalenebaylon.blogspot.com

Until further updates! :)

Gtg...

Thu, 22 May 2008 09:25:55 GMT

(April 26, 2008)

Here's to me, learning to let go.

Excuse the cheesyness of the title and the first line. But this is truly the reason I decided to move out of /Evade--something I thought I'd never do, keeping it for almost 5 years now--so that I could move on.

I guess one cannot completely let go if he/she allows his/her fingers to keep 'feeling' for a remnant or familiarity of the past. What makes mine so dear to me is how it was a world I grew up in--a world I built my goals, dreams, and life within. No, I never seriously considered going and living beyond that which I found in my little world; beyond the corners of our flat, the stretches of Tsuen Wan and the MTR station, the friends and families from church, the dancing, the cramming, and the small sea population from which I always thought I'd find my own fish. When I dreamed of opportunities, I imagined finding them there, where I was. For me no other world existed...Beyond life in Hong Kong, everything else was temporary; fleeting; just a summer vacation from which I'd come home from and leave eventually. Hong Kong was the real world; the real life. My life.

And then I left. Like I explained, more than once before, I left with the mindset that I was going back...That wherever I was going, it would be temporary, just like a vacation, and that I was going back home eventually. I thought it'd give me perspective; that by doing so, I'd be able to cope better. I was wrong.

I didn't have any closure. I was here but there was a door to a past that remained open. And everything that when on in it, as much as it was all behind me, I looked and followed as if I were still there. I was living in my past.

And because of that--looking for Hong Kong here in the Philippines; looking for things of old in my new home--I failed to appreciate the new things I was given. I probably missed out on genuinely enjoying a lot of new experiences and sincerely meeting a lot of new people because of my wrong perception of them being temporary and fleeting.

If there's anything I learned to accept--or rather, I've been forced to accept--it's that this is where I am now; deal with it.

But don't get me wrong--those times I happily posted on my blog, I truly was happy. Rare were such occasions that I wouldn't miss publishing them. It's just that there was always something missing. Something I needed to heal from; something I needed to let go of.

And as I prayed, our family trip to Hong Kong gave me the closure I needed.

Going back was amazing, albeit it being really short. It's as if we went on an out-of-town trip in our car and got back the same day. Everything--from touching down and seeing the buses and the views and hearing that familiar Chinese accent--was surreal. I couldn't believe it was the place we grew up in, and more so I couldn't believe we were back.

That's when I realized how long it's been since we left...How long ago we've left that life behind. I was barely fifteen then, when we moved away. Now, I'm turning eighteen. The once-larger-than-life-fourteen-year-old I used to be--or at least, saw myself as--has changed long since then. That life I used to live and until recently, still feel like I own, has long gone.

This is who I am now. This is where I am now.

The thing about Hong Kong, I realized when we were there, is that it's remained the same. It's still the same tiny city that doesn't ever sleep, where you won't get lost as long as you know how to find your way to an MTR, and where you can trust no one to ever mug you at night. It's still the same city we once used to live in. In a sense, nothing's change.

And then I realized, it's the things I wanted to go back to--life, itself--that was no longer there. Everyone's left...all that I used to know, have gone. In a sense, everything's changed. There is nothing to go back to.

I'm glad we had that trip back. I guess God felt there wasn't any other way I'd get my closure. I'm glad I finally did.

Since then, I knew I had to start letting go of a lot of things, and really start anew. Little by little, fresh from scratch.

Closing down /Evade is inevitably one of them. Keeping them for 5 years--the most memorable 5 years of my life (read it from my earliest post onwards; you'll see)--has kind of kept me looking at what's behind me. Oh I apologize for the cheesyness, but there isn't a better way to put it. I guess I can't really move forward until I completely let go of all that's holding me back.

...And that is why I have decided to move.

Oh, Johnalene. :)

What's new

Sun, 04 May 2008 13:25:15 GMT

While I am still here, I shall blog here. It's been so long since I've last posted, and so much has gone on. Happy ones and not-so-happy ones, but we all must have a balance of those, I guess.

So I'll probably start with what's gone in the past few weeks of summer:

Examinations & workshops with The LaSallian
The one organization/ publication I've stuck to and been active in in my college life. :) I decided to run as an officer, for which I was required to take this budgeting exam (tough), go through a press work simulation (fun) (but more of a learning experience, really; compared to past press works/ layouting sessions I've worked in), come up with plans of action and do an interview. Results, as I've been told, are coming out this coming week--and I'm crossing my fingers for it. Then again, officer or not, I'd still be helping out...but, still. Sayang naman yung pinaghirapan ko kung hindi din ako papasa, diba? Hehe...I'm not keeping my hopes up--I admit, there are a lot of publication/ circulation/ publicity/ marketing (yeah, nosebleed) logistics that I still have yet to learn about and get the hang of--but, I will learn, and I will find out, given the responsibility. I hope that's enough for me to make the cut.

Aside from that, we had a three-day workshop just last Monday-Wednesday. Man, were we little--two of us from the Art & Graphics section; four from the Menagerie (features); one (occasionally, two or three) from the Photo section; four (and then two, and then one, as the days progressed) from the University (news) section, and then the Top 3. Oh well, it was fun, nonetheless. Learned a great deal both from our speakers and my fellow staffers--and the fact that I have a long, long way to go in what I do; in my art and my writing.

What a humbling experience it is, being surrounded by such smart and talented people. Really; sometimes I seriously wonder how I even made it in the publication, what with the greatness (seryoso, magaling talaga sila!) of the people who make it up and the same kind of excellence we're expected to perform. I'm not saying this to promote anyone/ anything; nor am I saying this to give a "humble effect"--rather, I'm saying to express how I often am in awe of them, the writers, artists, and photographers that make up the publication. And how they inspire me to do better; to outdo myself as much as I can.

Green Giants
Another awesome project I've recently been up to. We--members of TeamComm and ECES--had our first meeting last Wednesday, and even then I could tell it's going to be a fun and exciting venture. Can't spill much details here; the most I can say is, well, I pray that this is one of the "promising things" I've been hoping this year to bring. :)

There is also another project whose details I cannot spill just yet, but I might resort to auditioning for it instead of being part of the production team. With the weight of our majors this coming year and my commitments with TLS, I don't think I can hold anymore major projects in my hands. If there's anything I learned from last year, it's not to say yes to every project that comes... As fun and promising as they sound. As a good friend advised, "...Kaya mong gawin lahat, pero 'di kakayanin ng oras mo..." True, indeed. It's an understatement for me to say that it's about time I learned to properly manage my time.

Summer!
Uh-huh, and I am officially, temporarily, a Morena :) Hehe. We had a family outing last Friday, where the family and my dad's sister's family went to Club Manila East. It was fun; had a blast in the new Beach Waves pool, where we "rode" the waves as if we were on a beach. Got to bond with my brothers and my cousin--"instant sisters"--too. Weee, I could finally say that I did something 'summer-y' this summer, hehe. Can't wait for the TLS team building, and probably an outing with friends, if ever plans (do we have any yet? Hehe) push through. We'll see. :)

...So, there. Yep, it's been a busy summer for me, so far. And I am savoring every moment of it, ahhh...won't get to do this again once school starts. And, oh my heck, this just might be my last summer before graduation. OMG. No, I can't believe it...after graduation next year, I'll be working???

...Okay, that just goes to remind me--I need to make the most out of the rest of the summer. No more room--no more time!--to waste any of it away.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 12:26:12 GMT

There's been so much doubt
There is only room left for faith

Our world

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:01:25 GMT

Here's a pretty quick composition. It's not much; words just flowing from my head, in the spur of a moment. Completed in less than 5 minutes - it's that simple. :)

It’s amazing
Because I know I’ll always be the most beautiful girl
In your world
And it’s the only place that matters
Your world
And mine

It’s amazing
Because I know you’ll always be the only other guy
In my world
And it’s the only place that matters
Your world
And mine

It’s amazing
Because I know we’ll always be the ones for each other
In our world
And it’s the only place that matters
Your world
And mine

It’s amazing
Because I know we’ll stay this way forever
In our world
And it’s the only place that matters

It’s so amazing
Because I know only this is right
Our world
The only place that matters

It’s pretty damn amazing
I’m yours
And you’re mine

You’re my world
And that's the only thing that matters.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 11:36:24 GMT

Today's Featured Question on Xanga:
"What is the weirdest food combination you enjoy?"

After giving it a thought, I would have to say that shrimp + ketchup is my weirdest, so far. Try it; it doesn't have that weird a taste...err I don't even know if it can be considered 'weird'. It's just, different, I suppose. But it's good :)

Updates.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:53:37 GMT

This is the life. Until now, I never really knew how to appreciate the summer. Going back to my old - ancient, rather - blog posts, I am reminded of how summer used to be "boring"; "dragging"; and everything else that...

Okay. I just stumbled onto my July 27, 2003 post:

"ohh, speakin` of leaving...im not leaving on monday!! double-yayee!! lolz. me dad changed it to sumtime in august. oh right, i almost forgot, we`re still leaving...waa ='( *sigh* oh wells..i hope we'll juz stay. *Lord, pleeeeeeeaze, pleeeeeeeaze let us stayyyyyy!!"

Damn, we planned leaving as early as that? Or was that for vacation, only? Why didn't I want to leave if it was only for vacation? XD The questions, questions...

And other things that post reminded me of...man. Okay. I just want to laugh. *LOL... memories...

Oh, man.

ANYWAY as I was saying...I never really savored the summer - unlike now. Oh, it feels so good to just bum around. To read all day. To eat and watch TV and use the computer...

This is the life. :)

Updates:

1) I got to get on with that letter. I really do want to step up next year. And make a difference, somehow; and get some experience actually managing something. More on this throughout the summer. *crosses fingers

2) Call up Steps. I want to get back to dancing again. :)

HE DID IT AGAIN.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:34:38 GMT

Term GPA...

3.083.

PRAISE THE LORD! :) I made it!

Crossing my fingers

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:00:00 GMT

How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you? - "Everything" by Lifehouse

I am in love with that song right now. It has this soothing melody that goes perfectly with the lyrics...or, the other way around - its lyrics, expressing true love and adoration, goes perfectly with the soothing melody.

As I keep saying to myself, if there was one talent that I wish I had, it would be to write songs. The music, tune, melody. And of course, the lyrics - which I can do more of right now, although I still have to work on it. It's the tune I can't seem to figure out; the music. Oh well. Maybe I should start with going back to playing the piano and learning to play the guitar?

Anyway, meanwhile. I'll enjoy singing and being inspired to write. Fine, and writing itself - when I do get inspired. :)

* * *

I went to school this afternoon to get my course cards in STATLIT and beloved INSERCH. I got a 3.5 and 2.5, respectively. The past term, getting into the Dean's List has been one of the farthest things from my mind - just passing, I thought, would be enough for me.

This afternoon however, concern for making the grade to qualify as a Dean's Lister for the term came creeping up to me again. Yes, I do wish to make it to the list. It's not really the title per se; it's more of the (subconscious) personal goal of meeting an academic standard that I've been setting for myself ever since I set foot in school.

If all goes to plan and I do not fail a subject (knock on wood), I'll be graduating in a year's time. This same time, next year, will be the end of my formal education. The end where I could say that I've finished school.

Because graduating suma, magna, or cum laude itself seems unlikely, graduating with honors - as a consistent Dean's Lister - is probably the most I can aim for. That's what I thought this afternoon: wouldn't it be great to be able to say, that for the last of my education, I've done a consistently good job?

The past term, I don't think I've ever prayed to make it to the dean's list, first and foremost because I never thought I could make it, based on my performance. Then again, the Lord's done great things in my life. Why doubt what He can do now?

And so, I pray. I pray that I make it. Based on my performance, I may not make it. But since when have my achievements been based on my performance?

Hasn't it always been about what the Lord can do - what He can make out of the mess I've made?

Please pray for me too.

Desperate...

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 03:05:41 GMT

At church, yesterday.

During the prayer before receiving the Holy communion, I asked God for a revival, a renewal... a retreat of some sort, that I could attend. A praise and worship concert. So I could start fresh and anew...

I really need one, Lord, I said.

It was one of those times at Church I felt like I was going to have a mental and emotional breakdown. Tired of all the previous days' events, terribly afraid of messing up again, and worried about things to come - I was deeply troubled. Listening to the readings and trying with all I can to drive my attention and focus back to what was being said during the mass was all I could do to keep myself from crying out in frustration.

I was not at peace.

Thank God I lasted the mass without fainting or...really suffering a nervous breakdown.

After saying the prayer, I felt somewhat lighter. Not that the worries and fears that flooded my head subsided all of a sudden, because they didn't - they were still there, but there was also something else. A light of hope, perhaps? I don't know. I just forgot some of them, for a bit. It's like I was losing my focus on them.

The mass ended and we visited the Blessed Sacrament afterwards, like we always do. Then as normal Sundays would've had it for our family, we went to Mall of Asia for lunch.

And for the rest of the day, I had forgotten about my ordeal earlier that morning.

Before we left, I was lining up with my mom to pay for the shades Maynard and I were earlier trying on. Looking around, my eyes fell on the board announcing upcoming concerts in Manila. I scanned the list.

James Blunt, May 19, Araneta Coliseum... Some group whose name I forgot, my bad.

And then:
Hillsong United, May 26, 8pm Araneta Coliseum.

:) Thank you, Lord.