| | (April 26, 2008)
Here's to me, learning to let go.
Excuse the cheesyness of the
title and the first line. But this is truly the reason I decided to
move out of /Evade--something I thought I'd never do, keeping it for
almost 5 years now--so that I could move on.
I guess one cannot
completely let go if he/she allows his/her fingers to keep 'feeling'
for a remnant or familiarity of the past. What makes mine so dear to me
is how it was a world I grew up in--a world I built my goals, dreams,
and life within. No, I never seriously considered going and living
beyond that which I found in my little world; beyond the corners of our
flat, the stretches of Tsuen Wan and the MTR station, the friends and
families from church, the dancing, the cramming, and the small sea
population from which I always thought I'd find my own fish. When I
dreamed of opportunities, I imagined finding them there,
where I was. For me no other world existed...Beyond life in Hong Kong,
everything else was temporary; fleeting; just a summer vacation from
which I'd come home from and leave eventually. Hong Kong was the real
world; the real life. My life.
And
then I left. Like I explained, more than once before, I left with the
mindset that I was going back...That wherever I was going, it would be
temporary, just like a vacation, and that I was going back home
eventually. I thought it'd give me perspective; that by doing so, I'd
be able to cope better. I was wrong.
I didn't have any closure.
I was here but there was a door to a past that remained open. And
everything that when on in it, as much as it was all behind me, I
looked and followed as if I were still there. I was living in my past.
And
because of that--looking for Hong Kong here in the Philippines; looking
for things of old in my new home--I failed to appreciate the new things
I was given. I probably missed out on genuinely enjoying a lot of new
experiences and sincerely meeting a lot of new people because of my
wrong perception of them being temporary and fleeting.
If there's anything I learned to accept--or rather, I've been forced to accept--it's that this is where I am now; deal with it.
But
don't get me wrong--those times I happily posted on my blog, I truly
was happy. Rare were such occasions that I wouldn't miss publishing
them. It's just that there was always something missing. Something I
needed to heal from; something I needed to let go of.
And as I prayed, our family trip to Hong Kong gave me the closure I needed.
Going
back was amazing, albeit it being really short. It's as if we went on
an out-of-town trip in our car and got back the same day.
Everything--from touching down and seeing the buses and the views and
hearing that familiar Chinese accent--was surreal. I couldn't believe
it was the place we grew up in, and more so I couldn't believe we were
back.
That's when I realized how long it's been since we
left...How long ago we've left that life behind. I was barely fifteen
then, when we moved away. Now, I'm turning eighteen. The
once-larger-than-life-fourteen-year-old I used to be--or at least, saw
myself as--has changed long since then. That life I used to live and
until recently, still feel like I own, has long gone.
This is who I am now. This is where I am now.
The
thing about Hong Kong, I realized when we were there, is that it's
remained the same. It's still the same tiny city that doesn't ever
sleep, where you won't get lost as long as you know how to find your
way to an MTR, and where you can trust no one to ever mug you at night.
It's still the same city we once used to live in. In a sense, nothing's
change.
And then I realized, it's the things I wanted to go back
to--life, itself--that was no longer there. Everyone's left...all that
I used to know, have gone. In a sense, everything's changed. There is
nothing to go back to.
I'm glad we had that trip back. I guess God felt there wasn't any other way I'd get my closure. I'm glad I finally did.
Since then, I knew I had to start letting go of a lot of things, and really start anew. Little by little, fresh from scratch.
Closing
down /Evade is inevitably one of them. Keeping them for 5 years--the
most memorable 5 years of my life (read it from my earliest post
onwards; you'll see)--has kind of kept me looking at what's behind me.
Oh I apologize for the cheesyness, but there isn't a better way to put
it. I guess I can't really move forward until I completely let go of
all that's holding me back.
...And that is why I have decided to move.
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| | Posted 5/22/2008 7:25 PM - 121 Views - 8 eProps - 5 comments
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it's so sad.
