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Name: Johnalene
Interests: Writing, obviously. Dancing and singing and graphic design and theatre and the Internet...and everything else in between and beyond :D
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/5/2003
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| New homeI moved again, after ohjnalene (it didn't last too long. I figured I didn't want to keep it anymore, since it contained mostly rants, hehe). So, find me here instead:
johnalenebaylon.blogspot.com
Until further updates! :)
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| Gtg...(April 26, 2008)
Here's to me, learning to let go.
Excuse the cheesyness of the
title and the first line. But this is truly the reason I decided to
move out of /Evade--something I thought I'd never do, keeping it for
almost 5 years now--so that I could move on.
I guess one cannot
completely let go if he/she allows his/her fingers to keep 'feeling'
for a remnant or familiarity of the past. What makes mine so dear to me
is how it was a world I grew up in--a world I built my goals, dreams,
and life within. No, I never seriously considered going and living
beyond that which I found in my little world; beyond the corners of our
flat, the stretches of Tsuen Wan and the MTR station, the friends and
families from church, the dancing, the cramming, and the small sea
population from which I always thought I'd find my own fish. When I
dreamed of opportunities, I imagined finding them there,
where I was. For me no other world existed...Beyond life in Hong Kong,
everything else was temporary; fleeting; just a summer vacation from
which I'd come home from and leave eventually. Hong Kong was the real
world; the real life. My life.
And
then I left. Like I explained, more than once before, I left with the
mindset that I was going back...That wherever I was going, it would be
temporary, just like a vacation, and that I was going back home
eventually. I thought it'd give me perspective; that by doing so, I'd
be able to cope better. I was wrong.
I didn't have any closure.
I was here but there was a door to a past that remained open. And
everything that when on in it, as much as it was all behind me, I
looked and followed as if I were still there. I was living in my past.
And
because of that--looking for Hong Kong here in the Philippines; looking
for things of old in my new home--I failed to appreciate the new things
I was given. I probably missed out on genuinely enjoying a lot of new
experiences and sincerely meeting a lot of new people because of my
wrong perception of them being temporary and fleeting.
If there's anything I learned to accept--or rather, I've been forced to accept--it's that this is where I am now; deal with it.
But
don't get me wrong--those times I happily posted on my blog, I truly
was happy. Rare were such occasions that I wouldn't miss publishing
them. It's just that there was always something missing. Something I
needed to heal from; something I needed to let go of.
And as I prayed, our family trip to Hong Kong gave me the closure I needed.
Going
back was amazing, albeit it being really short. It's as if we went on
an out-of-town trip in our car and got back the same day.
Everything--from touching down and seeing the buses and the views and
hearing that familiar Chinese accent--was surreal. I couldn't believe
it was the place we grew up in, and more so I couldn't believe we were
back.
That's when I realized how long it's been since we
left...How long ago we've left that life behind. I was barely fifteen
then, when we moved away. Now, I'm turning eighteen. The
once-larger-than-life-fourteen-year-old I used to be--or at least, saw
myself as--has changed long since then. That life I used to live and
until recently, still feel like I own, has long gone.
This is who I am now. This is where I am now.
The
thing about Hong Kong, I realized when we were there, is that it's
remained the same. It's still the same tiny city that doesn't ever
sleep, where you won't get lost as long as you know how to find your
way to an MTR, and where you can trust no one to ever mug you at night.
It's still the same city we once used to live in. In a sense, nothing's
change.
And then I realized, it's the things I wanted to go back
to--life, itself--that was no longer there. Everyone's left...all that
I used to know, have gone. In a sense, everything's changed. There is
nothing to go back to.
I'm glad we had that trip back. I guess God felt there wasn't any other way I'd get my closure. I'm glad I finally did.
Since then, I knew I had to start letting go of a lot of things, and really start anew. Little by little, fresh from scratch.
Closing
down /Evade is inevitably one of them. Keeping them for 5 years--the
most memorable 5 years of my life (read it from my earliest post
onwards; you'll see)--has kind of kept me looking at what's behind me.
Oh I apologize for the cheesyness, but there isn't a better way to put
it. I guess I can't really move forward until I completely let go of
all that's holding me back.
...And that is why I have decided to move.
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| What's newWhile I am still here, I shall blog here. It's been so long since I've last posted, and so much has gone on. Happy ones and not-so-happy ones, but we all must have a balance of those, I guess.
So I'll probably start with what's gone in the past few weeks of summer:
Examinations & workshops with The LaSallian
The one organization/ publication I've stuck to and been active in in my college life. :) I decided to run as an officer, for which I was required to take this budgeting exam (tough), go through a press work simulation (fun) (but more of a learning experience, really; compared to past press works/ layouting sessions I've worked in), come up with plans of action and do an interview. Results, as I've been told, are coming out this coming week--and I'm crossing my fingers for it. Then again, officer or not, I'd still be helping out...but, still. Sayang naman yung pinaghirapan ko kung hindi din ako papasa, diba? Hehe...I'm not keeping my hopes up--I admit, there are a lot of publication/ circulation/ publicity/ marketing (yeah, nosebleed) logistics that I still have yet to learn about and get the hang of--but, I will learn, and I will find out, given the responsibility. I hope that's enough for me to make the cut.
Aside from that, we had a three-day workshop just last Monday-Wednesday. Man, were we little--two of us from the Art & Graphics section; four from the Menagerie (features); one (occasionally, two or three) from the Photo section; four (and then two, and then one, as the days progressed) from the University (news) section, and then the Top 3. Oh well, it was fun, nonetheless. Learned a great deal both from our speakers and my fellow staffers--and the fact that I have a long, long way to go in what I do; in my art and my writing.
What a humbling experience it is, being surrounded by such smart and talented people. Really; sometimes I seriously wonder how I even made it in the publication, what with the greatness (seryoso, magaling talaga sila!) of the people who make it up and the same kind of excellence we're expected to perform. I'm not saying this to promote anyone/ anything; nor am I saying this to give a "humble effect"--rather, I'm saying to express how I often am in awe of them, the writers, artists, and photographers that make up the publication. And how they inspire me to do better; to outdo myself as much as I can.
Green Giants
Another awesome project I've recently been up to. We--members of TeamComm and ECES--had our first meeting last Wednesday, and even then I could tell it's going to be a fun and exciting venture. Can't spill much details here; the most I can say is, well, I pray that this is one of the "promising things" I've been hoping this year to bring. :)
There is also another project whose details I cannot spill just yet, but I might resort to auditioning for it instead of being part of the production team. With the weight of our majors this coming year and my commitments with TLS, I don't think I can hold anymore major projects in my hands. If there's anything I learned from last year, it's not to say yes to every project that comes... As fun and promising as they sound. As a good friend advised, "...Kaya mong gawin lahat, pero 'di kakayanin ng oras mo..." True, indeed. It's an understatement for me to say that it's about time I learned to properly manage my time.
Summer!
Uh-huh, and I am officially, temporarily, a Morena :) Hehe. We had a family outing last Friday, where the family and my dad's sister's family went to Club Manila East. It was fun; had a blast in the new Beach Waves pool, where we "rode" the waves as if we were on a beach. Got to bond with my brothers and my cousin--"instant sisters"--too. Weee, I could finally say that I did something 'summer-y' this summer, hehe. Can't wait for the TLS team building, and probably an outing with friends, if ever plans (do we have any yet? Hehe) push through. We'll see. :)
...So, there. Yep, it's been a busy summer for me, so far. And I am savoring every moment of it, ahhh...won't get to do this again once school starts. And, oh my heck, this just might be my last summer before graduation. OMG. No, I can't believe it...after graduation next year, I'll be working???
...Okay, that just goes to remind me--I need to make the most out of the rest of the summer. No more room--no more time!--to waste any of it away.
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| There's been so much doubt
There is only room left for faith
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| Our worldHere's a pretty quick composition. It's not much; words just flowing from my head, in the spur of a moment. Completed in less than 5 minutes - it's that simple. :)
It’s amazing
Because I know I’ll always be the most beautiful girl
In your world
And it’s the only place that matters
Your world
And mine
It’s amazing
Because I know you’ll always be the only other guy
In my world
And it’s the only place that matters
Your world
And mine
It’s amazing
Because I know we’ll always be the ones for each other
In our world
And it’s the only place that matters
Your world
And mine
It’s amazing
Because I know we’ll stay this way forever
In our world
And it’s the only place that matters
It’s so amazing
Because I know only this is right
Our world
The only place that matters
It’s pretty damn amazing
I’m yours
And you’re mine
You’re my world
And that's the only thing that matters.
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